Thursday, 29 December 2011

The Less Than Magnificent Seven

Not all of the 365 plus films that I’ve watched this year have been worthy of my time, in fact to put it bluntly more than a few have been the cinematic equivalent of a steaming turd. 

So without further ado here are the less than magnificent seven, seven movies that need to go to jail for stealing my precious time this year;
1.  Bloodstained Romance (2009) - ever loved someone so much you have to butcher their friends and duct tape them to a bed? Childishly filmed from a first person perspective and horribly acted, stay away folks!

2. House Of The Dead (2003) - a film with Jurgen Prochnow in can’t be that bad can it? YES! Uwe Boll’s terrible take on a video game is bad with a capital ‘B’. If you feel like watching this do yourself a favour and just watch someone play an hour and a half of the video game instead.

3. Year One (2009) - if you liked this movie then you must have the intellectual capacity of a three year old, even the lovely Olivia Wilde couldn’t save it

4. BreadCrumbs (2011) - some fairytales are true and some are made into shite films. I had to force myself to complete watching this stinker over three sittings. Bottom of the pile acting in a barely understandable tale with so many ripped off motifs.

5. Don’t Go In The Woods (1980) - I still can’t believe this slasher made the Video Nasty list in the UK ... it’s SO not scary! Ineptly shot Wildman in the woods horror that bores way more than it scares.

6. What A Girl Wants (2003) - I still can’t believe that I watched this movie aimed at teenage girls, I think I was drunk. This must be the film that Colin Firth leaves off his resume out of embarrassment. 

7. Robot Holocaust (1986) - a tedious post apocalyptic film with possibly the worst special effects I’ve ever seen

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